Suck it

Yeah, harsh words, I know.

Or are they? It's just a simple command to suck on something- like perhaps a straw, lollipop or a vacuum cleaner (if someone was asking "what does the vacuum do to the dirt?")

However, in this case, the title was meant to be harsh :)

I am so very lost that it's ridiculous. I feel like I am living my life to please other people while disregarding myself.

I went to college to please my family - I never wanted to go right out of high school
I went to Long Beach because of my sister
I stayed with my ex-boyfriend for so long to make him happy
I picked math to teach because my dad told me to (however I DO think that was an awesome decision)
I transferred to Long Beach because it was that or Sac State for free living arrangements and there's no way in hell I could have moved back in with my parents for 2 more years of college.
I go home for a majority of the summer because my family expects me to, even though I don't really have friends left up North and everyone else has their daily schedule and life.
I am going home this Spring Break because I "have" to- because if I don't I will get guilt trip after guilt trip NO MATTER HOW MUCH MY FAMILY WILL DENY THIS.

I have been working my ass off to get out of school - from summer school to winter sessions to 5 classes a semester with this semester being no exception. I have worked so damn hard (30 hours a week on average over the past few years) to save money (which is all gone in Ireland- but worth the experience even if the group I went with was a disappointment). I'm so burnt out and I'm done.

I'm done.

I just don't care anymore.

Give me C's across the board and hand me a piece of paper telling me I've done something to let me do something with my life.

I haven't even gotten out of bed today, and I really have little desire to do so.

Thank goodness I'm getting pizza with Bob in an hour - so I HAVE to get up.

I hate having so much responsibility right now- I mean, I have 3 different Spring Break schedules to work around, one day off a week which I want to dedicate time spending with the elderly, and I'm afraid I will look back on my college experience and say

"yeah, I went to school. Took me 6 years to finish and it was a lot of busy work. I made a couple of friends, they moved away... that's about it"

So then I'll graduate, most likely not get to take credentials at the school of my choice, and be miserable for who knows how long.

Lovely.

Can I just have the check, please?

So why now? Why all of the sudden so pessimistic? Well, here's why:

Spring Break was the final straw.

Yet again I am going home for my spring break. I will not be able to go out with my little sis to the beach house in San Diego or on a camping trip with friends from work or even have bbqs and/or go to the beach. Why?! Because I'll be in Woodland.

I love my family, please don't get me wrong- and I love spending time with them- but Spring Break for me is a chance to hang out with my friends and have those senior year memories of fun times to be referenced for ever.

I hardly have any friends left in Northern California and whenever I go home I feel like a spectator. It's one thing to go home for an event or a specific reason where I am needed, because I feel important- like there's purpose for me to be there.

So when I go home "just because I have time off" and no one has set plans (sorry to my mom, but shopping doesn't count), then I would much rather spend my 4 days elsewhere because at least I know the people I'm around and feel like I belong.

The last hope was a pub crawl for me and my sister's boyfriend (and sister, and guests) the saturday I'll be home. Well, I was super excited about it (after the A's game turned out to just be Spring Training still, but I am going to lunch with my grandparents so I couldn't really go in the end anyway)... well that turned into my sister's boyfriend's day out drinking with all of his friends - placing me, yet again, as a spectator amongst strangers.

So Nana, I'll be calling you soon to see if you and I can get Long Islands and sit around talking about Texas and the 1950s - because I would love nothing more than to be there right now, in my cotton dress, on the dance floor, until the old drunk man falls out the window again.

check, please.

Damn You Euclid!

So when I finally thought I knew what I was doing using Euclid's method for gcf/lcm, I sit through an hour of math history and get severely confused.

Hmmm.

Can I just graduate already?


...please?


*scratch that- I got it. Yay for being awesomely smart*

My Eyes Are Too Watery To Keep Reading

ABC'sShare
Today at 11:00 pm
A- Age: 23

B - Bed size: Queen

C - Chore you hate: Doing the dishes

D - Dad's Name: Robert Alan

E - Essential start your day item: Hmmm... pants? I'm usually running out the door everyday

F - Favorite Actor: Denzel Washington

G - Gold or Silver: Silver or White Gold

H- Height: 5'7" ish

I - Instruments you play(ed): Trumpet, French Horn, a bit of flute, clarinet, keyboard and ukulele

J - Job title: Student, Tutor, Lunch Lady, Catechist

K - Kid(s): I love them! I don't have any, but I am definitely looking forward to having a few someday :D

L - Living arrangements: My own room at my aunt and uncle's house in Long Beach. It rocks!

M - Mom's name: Teresa Alice

N - Nicknames: Shell, Michellikans, Belle, Mich, etc

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: None that I can think of?

P - Pet Peeve: When there's like 5 mins left in a 3 hour class and the professor decides it is now a "good time" to start in on new material.

Q - Quotes you like: "When You Dance With Your Tears, You See Rainbows"

R - Right or left handed: Right

S - Siblings: Amy and Bobby

T - Time you wake up: Around 7am everyday other than Saturday

U- Underwear: Yes, I wear it. And I have 25 pairs :D Yay for Ireland and underwear shopping

V - Vegetable you dislike: Cauliflower

W - Ways you run late: Having to do my hair (even if it just means washing it. I really do like being clean)

X - X-rays you've had: Dental, Right Foot, Right Arm

Y - Yummy food you make: Chicken fetuccini alfredo with parmesan cheese green beans

Z - Zodiac: Libra

<3

My weekend was amazing.

Especially Saturday night.





... times 5


... raised to the power of infinity

<3


Wow.